What Is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)?

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a couples therapy that focuses on creating secure emotional bonds between partners. Here are the main features of EFT:

• Attachment-Based: EFT is grounded in attachment theory, which suggests that humans have a fundamental need for secure emotional connections. EFT seeks to address attachment insecurities within the context of the romantic relationship. Hence EFT is often used in the healing of insecure attachment types.
• Emotion-Centered: EFT places a strong emphasis on UNDERSTANDING and EXPRESSING emotions. It helps couples recognize and communicate their emotional needs, vulnerabilities, and fears in a safe and supportive environment.
• Cycle De-Escalation: EFT views relationship conflicts as REPETITIVE CYCLES of emotional reactions. Therapists help couples identify and break these negative patterns, promoting healthier communication and emotional responsiveness.

These cycles are of three types:

1. It’s Not Me, It’s You (BLAME)
   The secret to stopping the dance is to recognize that no one has to be the bad guy. The accuse/ accuse pattern itself is the villain here, and the partners are the victims.
2. DEMANDING – WITHDRAWING (Protest Polka)
   The Protest Polka is subtle and sometimes hard to spot. One partner is DEMANDING, actively protesting the disconnection; the other is WITHDRAWING, quietly protesting the implied criticism.
3. FREEZE AND FLEE
   Both partners are shut down into frozen defense and denial. Each is in self-protection mode, trying to act as if he or she does not feel and does not need.

Features of EFT continued:

• Restructuring Interactions: EFT encourages partners to engage in new, more positive interaction patterns. Therapists guide couples in creating emotionally corrective experiences that foster a sense of safety and connection.
• Emotional Expression and Validation: EFT promotes open and empathetic emotional expression between partners. Therapists teach couples how to validate each other’s feelings and needs, which helps build trust and intimacy.
• Attachment Revisions: Through EFT, couples work on reshaping their attachment bonds. The therapy helps individuals develop a more secure attachment to their partner, reducing anxiety and fear of rejection.
• Forgiveness and Healing: EFT supports the process of forgiveness and healing, helping couples move beyond past hurts and rebuild trust.
• Relational Shifts: As a result of EFT, couples often experience significant shifts in their relationships, moving from conflict and distance to greater closeness and emotional connection.

Techniques used in EFT include:

• Identifying and articulating primary emotions: Therapists help couples recognize and express their core emotional experiences, such as fear, sadness, or longing.
• Tracking negative interaction cycles: Therapists help couples identify the recurring patterns of conflict in their relationship.
• Promoting vulnerability and responsiveness: EFT encourages partners to share their emotional needs and vulnerabilities, while the therapist facilitates empathetic responses.
• Enactments: Couples are encouraged to reenact problematic situations in the therapy room, providing opportunities for therapeutic intervention and emotional restructuring.
• Attachment dialogues: These structured conversations help couples communicate and validate each other’s feelings, fostering a stronger emotional connection.
• Communication training: EFT may include teaching couples effective communication skills, such as active listening and assertiveness.

For further information see Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson. Free to read here.

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