Conflict is hard but we can work through it in healthy and nurturing ways. Couples who use constructive techniques to gently work through conflict together often find this deepens their relationship. Better ways of doing conflict can be learned, and a few simple tips can make a big difference. Try these:

• Effective Communication
  Encourage open and honest dialogue.
  Practice active listening to understand your partner’s perspective.
  Use “I” statements to express feelings and needs.
  “When you walk away without listening to my point of view, I feel invalidated.”
• Use “We” Language
  Frame discussions in terms of a SHARED PROBLEM-SOLVING effort.
  Reinforce the idea that you’re both in it together.
  “We have a problem”, not “You have a problem.”
• Focus on the Issue, Not Your Partner
  Avoid personal attacks or blame.
  Discuss the problem at hand rather than making it about character flaws.
  “Thank you for trying to make this work, can we talk about our communication?”
• Seek Compromise
  Look for mutually beneficial solutions.
  Be willing to give and take to reach a resolution.
  “How can we find a balance in your work hours that works for both of us?”

These last three, working together on a problem, and seeking compromise change the way we do conflict. Instead of, “You never want to spend any time with me”, try “How can we figure out a way to have time for ourselves that works for both of us? What are we both willing to compromise?” If both partners understand problem solving is about compromise it opens the door to solutions.

• Stay Calm
  Manage emotions and avoid reacting impulsively.
  Stay in the discussion until both partners’ views have been heard.
  Take breaks if needed to cool off and collect thoughts.
  “I’m feeling upset, let’s stop talking and hold each other for a while?”
• Empathy and Understanding
  Try to see the situation from your partner’s viewpoint.
  Show empathy by acknowledging their feelings and experiences.
  “I can understand how that might feel for you.”
• Set Boundaries
  Establish and respect each other’s boundaries during conflicts.
  Discuss and agree on what is acceptable behavior during disagreements.
  “I’m committed to finding a solution together, but I’m exhausted. Can we pick this up again tomorrow?”
• Apologize and Forgive
  Apologize sincerely when you’re in the wrong.
  Do what it takes to make it right.
  Forgive your partner and let go of grudges to move forward.
  “I’m really sorry I hurt you, I will apologise to the neighbours for what I said.”
• Timeliness
  Address conflicts in a timely manner rather than letting them fester.
  Don’t bring up past issues unrelated to the current problem.
  “Hey honey, I’m feeling unhappy with our conversation earlier, can we talk about it after dinner?”
• Learn and Improve
  Learn from past conflicts and apply lessons to future disagreements.
  Strive for personal and relationship growth.
  Try counselling, or self-help reading, like these…

Seldman, Ten Tips for Solving Relationship Conflicts
Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication
Stone, Bruce, et al, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
Beverly Engel, The Power of Apology: Healing Steps to Transform All Your Relationships
John Gottman and Joan DeClaire, The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide

Where To Get Help
A list of phone and other services if you need help