Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is an influential communication framework. NVC tells us “how to do conflict”, it gives a method or order in which to speak. NVC emphasizes compassionate and empathetic communication to resolve conflicts and foster understanding. (I always found the term “nonviolent” kind of weird; maybe it comes out of the 1970s “peace movement” context where Marshall Rosenberg first developed his Nonviolent Communication workshops?) There are four components:

Observation: Objectively describe the situation without judgment.
Feeling: Express your emotions related to the observation.
Need: Identify the underlying human needs that are not being met.
Request: Clearly state a request to meet those needs, without demanding or coercing.

These should be used alongside other techniques like active listening, and using I-statements. An example: Let’s imagine John and Jane are having an argument.

Jane:

“(observation) I noticed you flirting with Susan and Kelly at the party and you seemed to be avoiding me. (feeling) This makes me feel unwanted and distrustful. (need) I need to feel like I’m a priority for you. (request) I don’t mind you flirting, but I’d like it if you make sure to come back and reconnect with me regularly.”

John:

“(observation) I hear you are feeling unhappy about my flirting. (feeling) I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable hearing this and I want to do better. (need) I would like to feel closer with you. (request) I will follow your suggestions. Can we please communicate how we will interact with others at parties more transparently in future?”

There are three ways that we apply NVC, this is the context or “vibe” we are trying to achieve.

1. Self-empathy involves connecting with what is going on inside us. Without blame, we notice our thoughts, judgements and feelings. Most importantly we connect to our own needs.
2. Receiving empathically is about

“connection with what’s alive in the other person and what would make life wonderful for them… It’s not an understanding of the head where we just mentally understand what another person says… Empathic connection is an understanding of the heart… It doesn’t mean we have to feel the same feelings as the other person.” (Rosenberg)

3. Expressing honestly is likely to involve expressing an observation, feeling, need, and request, as above. An observation may be omitted if the context of the conversation is clear. Naming a need in addition to a feeling makes it less likely that people will think you are making them responsible for your feeling.

NVC promotes empathy, active listening, and a focus on finding mutually satisfying solutions. It’s something I want to explore more as I learn better ways to heal conflict.

Book:
Rosenberg (2003) Nonviolent communication: a language of life

Where To Get Help
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