The First Thing I Tell Everyone

Let me begin by saying I try not to “tell” you stuff. A large part of my job is to listen to you. The research is very clear that being listened to with empathy is a large part of the healing, and my own experience supports this. Nevertheless, a component of therapy is learning tools to help you break out of what has been holding you back. Here’s the one I consider the most important.

Take Your Stuff Seriously

Take what seriously? What do you mean? I mean, whatever is the dominating problem, or problems in your life – take it seriously. Seriously enough so that you are trying to overcome it.

Because whatever is hurting you in your life can get at least a little better if you are willing to spend a little time on it. I’m not saying you can be “cured”, and I’m not saying everything will be perfect and work 100%. I am saying that your life will be better. How much better, I can’t say. But I have high hopes for you.

The only thing you need, to be able to heal your own life, is the willingness to do it. Notice I said, “heal your own life”. It is not my job to heal you, in fact I can’t. I am here to support you choosing to heal your own life. I’m here to listen to you, offer you some choices, and support you as you follow your own choices. My job is to empower you, to empower yourself. Yeah, I know that sounds wanky 😆😉

All that you need to do, is decide that you want to do something about it.

But what about those of us, especially those who are anxious or depressed, who are already thinking:

“That’s too hard. I am completely drained, I have no energy for this. I am feeling blame, like it’s all my fault that I’m like this. After all, if I could have got out of this myself, don’t you think I would have by now?”

Dear friends, I truly understand where you’re coming from. I know what it feels like to feel so dark and hopeless that you can’t even get out of bed. I know that even doing something simple can feel so big and hard. So I’m not asking you to do something big and hard. All I ask is that you’re willing to turn around towards the light. Turn over in bed, if you like. Even though your life is so so hard, I know you can choose to turn towards, not away. And, if you can do that, you have already won the battle. You’ve already done all you need.

Tāngata whai ora means “people seeking wellness” *. I have some good news: We can get well. There are lots of studies showing that the depressed and anxious and all the rest of us can get better. With all our focus on mental health, a lot of what we hear is negative. This is one message that tāngata whai ora can share: We can get better. Life can improve. There is hope.

I used to say, “Make your [negative] stuff a priority”, but I think a) that gives our stuff too much power, and b) it can sound too big and hard. I do meet people who have serious problems, but who just keep hoping things will change rather than doing anything about it. I believe that a small change in focus, and some advice from people who’ve been there, can make a big difference. Make it a priority, take it seriously. Whatever works.

So, the first thing I talk with about with any client, is: Take your stuff seriously. Make it the most important thing to get done in your life. It doesn’t mean you will spend all day thinking about it. But you will think about it a little bit every day.

And if you can do that, you will get better.

• Tangata whai ora is a Māori phrase that can be used of those with “mental illness”. It means “People seeking wellness”
• Contact me on 02041488887 for an appointment

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